When I first moved to Los Angeles in 2014, my boyfriend of four years was a stay-at-home dad who’d spent his summers on a farm in Texas.
My mom, who was in the process of buying a house in the suburbs, had a pet turtle.
We didn’t get married until after our third year.
We shared a big house with three cats and a dog.
My husband was in college and had just moved to the city.
We were together for five years, but I didn’t feel any of my own identity, much less any love.
I didn and am still not attracted to other men.
In fact, I’ve been told by a female coworker that I’m not a good match for her husband.
When I tried to get back in touch with my ex, I was told that it was because I was “too old” for him, and that he was not interested in having children with me.
My feelings about my body, I learned, were not his, so I could never have children.
I had a tough time dealing with this, and I didn’s friends and family say anything.
I never even thought about telling my parents.
But in April, I had the worst panic attack of my life, and went to the emergency room.
They diagnosed me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
It was the most horrific thing that I had ever experienced in my life.
The next day, I started to feel better, and then in May, I called my ex and told him about the diagnosis.
He said, “Oh, that’s all right.
It’s not a big deal.
I don’t know why I thought it was going to happen to you.”
I was scared.
But then I learned that I could call my ex back any time.
I got him to come out to my house and I was like, “I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my time here.”
He said he understood, but that he wasn’t going to be there for me.
I felt like my life had been ruined, and it felt like I had been robbed.
So, on June 14, I got an appointment with a psychologist.
“What’s your story?” she asked me.
“I had a lot of anxiety.
I just didn’t want to go to sleep.
I went to sleep thinking, ‘I’ve got to get out of here, and this is going to kill me,'” she said.
“And then the next morning, I woke up, and my head was in a swimming pool, and there was nothing there.”
She asked me to describe what happened to me, to give me some insight into what I was going through.
I told her about my panic attacks and how I had gotten so anxious and lost my sense of time, and she said, I don’ t want you to think about this in the hospital, because it could ruin you.
“But it’s not that bad,” I said.
And then I started crying.
“Oh my God,” she said again.
I was devastated.
I tried so hard to be calm and not cry.
I even had a therapist come over to my room to help me talk about what had happened.
I started sobbing, and the therapist, who is also my therapist, took me out of there and said, You’re just going through a phase.
You need to find yourself.
I’m going through this again, I’m in therapy.
The therapist is really good.
She gave me hope and I’m still here.
I know I’m never going to go back.
When it was time for me to come back home to New York, I went into the office to call my parents to see if they were OK with this.
I could see my ex was worried about my health, so he didn’t talk about it at all.
My family and I were all together in the office, and he wasn, too.
We talked for a little while, but he said, What are you going to tell them?
I said, Well, I’ll tell them.
He looked at me like I was crazy, and said I need to tell everyone that I love you.
I said no, I really need to get some counseling.
He told me to get the counseling.
“You need to talk to the counselor,” I told him.
“No, you don’t,” he said.
He got in his car and drove to a small office on the street and sat down in the chair opposite me.
He didn’t say anything about the anxiety or PTSD.
I knew that it would be hard to talk about these things, but the counselor sat me down and talked to me about my anxiety and PTSD.
“It’s not like you’re lying, and you’re not depressed,” she told me.
She said that my anxiety was not related to my PTSD, and just